Alternative Minimum Life
Maybe because it’s tax time, or maybe because I just spent two hours completing the kid’s camp forms – and mind you, I haven’t ordered any of the supplies yet, this was just filling out forms – but I’m starting to wish that every aspect of life came with an alternative minimum option.
Kind of like filling out the 1040EZ if you don’t want to bother figuring out deductions.
For instance, I’d like an Alternative Mom form for Schools. This form would have no opportunities to volunteer, would require no baking of brownies or provision of last-minute treats. With the AM form, no one would expect me to show up for the school benefit, much less serve on a committee. Maybe send in a check, but not before any kind of deadline, mind you. Just whenever I could get around to it.
Actually, this is kind of how I’m doing it anyway. Because the school thing is just endless. One month at my son’s school we had a coin drive, a book drive, and a class play requiring costumes and followed by a party to which we all brought dishes reflecting our heritage. That one almost killed me. But some of these mothers do all this and go on to organize the fundraisers, give the class cocktail party, and keep up with holiday schedules well enough to plan vacations in advance. Who are these people? They aren’t Alternative Moms.
I used to think they were the full-time moms. That left me, a mom with a company to run, feeling pretty well off the hook. Then I noticed other working moms fitting school volunteerism into their schedules. And I mean seriously working moms. One runs a multinational conglomerate and is consistently in the Fortune 400. She comes in every year and teaches the boys about Chinese New Year. Another is an Oprah darling with a booming internet retail catalog. Just gave a class cocktail party that killed. Me? I’m the queen of improv – y’know, open a bag of baby carrots and mention the ‘raw food’ movement in an offhand way.
Where else does the Minimal approach work? Ah yes, the Alternative Minimum Marriage. That’s what my husband and I have at the moment. We both run our own companies, and both get as much done at home as we can – he actually had to jack up the house this weekend when a beam fell in the basement. Did you know they have jacks for houses? Did we know they have spray for termites? Hm. My part of Minimum Marriage is to manage the bill-paying and child management (See Camp Forms, paragraph 1) and keep my bouts of PMS to a dull roar. His part of Minimum Marriage? Anything that requires brut strength or prolonged sleep deprivation. Romance? Too tired. Divorce? Way too tired. If we agree on the Netflix movie, that’s a plus in the bonding and sharing department.
The trouble with modern life is that the basic management requirements keep ratcheting up. We’re not trying to live any glamorous, ambitious, press-making life. We’re trying to live up to our basic obligations without disappointing too many people or compelling the children to apply for Emancipation of a Minor. But there’s too much to do. Insurance forms, camp forms, tax forms, school forms, wills, bills, and a weekend away take all our concentration and resources. And that’s if all goes well. The occasional glitch sends us into a management tailspin. I’d like to find a better way, a smarter way to run my life. And I would, too, if I had the time to think about it.
Kind of like filling out the 1040EZ if you don’t want to bother figuring out deductions.
For instance, I’d like an Alternative Mom form for Schools. This form would have no opportunities to volunteer, would require no baking of brownies or provision of last-minute treats. With the AM form, no one would expect me to show up for the school benefit, much less serve on a committee. Maybe send in a check, but not before any kind of deadline, mind you. Just whenever I could get around to it.
Actually, this is kind of how I’m doing it anyway. Because the school thing is just endless. One month at my son’s school we had a coin drive, a book drive, and a class play requiring costumes and followed by a party to which we all brought dishes reflecting our heritage. That one almost killed me. But some of these mothers do all this and go on to organize the fundraisers, give the class cocktail party, and keep up with holiday schedules well enough to plan vacations in advance. Who are these people? They aren’t Alternative Moms.
I used to think they were the full-time moms. That left me, a mom with a company to run, feeling pretty well off the hook. Then I noticed other working moms fitting school volunteerism into their schedules. And I mean seriously working moms. One runs a multinational conglomerate and is consistently in the Fortune 400. She comes in every year and teaches the boys about Chinese New Year. Another is an Oprah darling with a booming internet retail catalog. Just gave a class cocktail party that killed. Me? I’m the queen of improv – y’know, open a bag of baby carrots and mention the ‘raw food’ movement in an offhand way.
Where else does the Minimal approach work? Ah yes, the Alternative Minimum Marriage. That’s what my husband and I have at the moment. We both run our own companies, and both get as much done at home as we can – he actually had to jack up the house this weekend when a beam fell in the basement. Did you know they have jacks for houses? Did we know they have spray for termites? Hm. My part of Minimum Marriage is to manage the bill-paying and child management (See Camp Forms, paragraph 1) and keep my bouts of PMS to a dull roar. His part of Minimum Marriage? Anything that requires brut strength or prolonged sleep deprivation. Romance? Too tired. Divorce? Way too tired. If we agree on the Netflix movie, that’s a plus in the bonding and sharing department.
The trouble with modern life is that the basic management requirements keep ratcheting up. We’re not trying to live any glamorous, ambitious, press-making life. We’re trying to live up to our basic obligations without disappointing too many people or compelling the children to apply for Emancipation of a Minor. But there’s too much to do. Insurance forms, camp forms, tax forms, school forms, wills, bills, and a weekend away take all our concentration and resources. And that’s if all goes well. The occasional glitch sends us into a management tailspin. I’d like to find a better way, a smarter way to run my life. And I would, too, if I had the time to think about it.
posted by Whoopla at
9:17 AM
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